i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
