We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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