Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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