I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
