Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
