just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Randomize
