hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Randomize
