I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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