You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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