"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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