hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
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By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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