How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
