I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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