You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
