i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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