1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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