I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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