U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
