I'm jealous of your bromance
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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