I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
