Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?
I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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