It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
