Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
