2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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