Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
