you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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