If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
