I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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