I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
