awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
