I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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