Is it normal to miss your booty call?
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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