I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
