Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
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