During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
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