I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
i think i have two assholes
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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