Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
3pm strippers are depressing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
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