I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
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