I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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