Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
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