To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
porn star boner night. come get it.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
