My nipple is on Facebook.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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