if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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