Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Cover your peen. We're going out.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
