She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
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Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
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I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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