Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
