I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
