im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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