The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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