he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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