this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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