sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
