I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
is that a dick in a sweater?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
