I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Randomize
